Not too long ago my wife told me about a disorder she had read about on a blog. It was called Male Attention Deficit Disorder or MADD for short. The idea behind this disorder is that men can not track a conversation with a women if too many sentences are thrown at them. When a man has this problem he shuts down and becomes unresponsive to the woman speaking.
I took some time to think about what she told me and I have figured out why this happens.
Unlike the premise of the article she read this is not a male disorder but a female one. If my wife were to say to me:
"Hi honey. I was just thinking about changing the oil in the car but I'm not sure where the socket set is or the drip pan. Do you know where they are? I'd really like to get this done before lunch time so I can cook you something tasty."
Steve's imaginary wife.
I would very quickly (and happily) show here where all the tools she needed were and encourage her to change the oil in my car too. That is not what happens though. Woman are never this straightforward. What often happens is the following:
"Oh look at this dress! Isn't it beautiful? Oh do you think it costs too much? Does it go well with my hair and skin tone? Oh I really want to get it. You sure you don't think it costs too much? Does it make me look fat?"
Steve's real wife.
That is what my real wife would say to me and yes, I would shut down and not respond. Why is that? It's because she did not give me anything to respond to. She is not looking for an answer she is looking for me to say, "It is nice, go ahead and buy it. Make you look fat? Why you'd have to gain another 50 lbs. before you even started to look fat... blah blah blah..." I'd be tempted to tell her what I really think (which she does not want to hear) and then I would suffer for days for doing so!
When a man is asked a question he listens and then processes the question. He looks for the logic in the question and answers accordingly. This works wonderfully when a woman asks a question that is seeking a logical answer. It breaks down when a woman phrases a question as if she wants a logical answer; "does this make me look fat" but only wants some sort of sympathy answer rather than a real answer.
A man wants to "fix" the problems his woman has. He sees this as a sign of his love. The woman sees this as a sign that the man is an ass because she (obviously) has no problems. No problems other than that she is suffering through life with this man who has no idea what she wants!
Many years ago a man, who had been married longer than I, explained to me how to get out of one of the most deadly husband-to-wife encounters. When your wife points to a woman who is more attractive than her and asks you if you find that woman attractive there is only one response. It's not yes and it's not no. The correct answer is to say, "what woman?"
Truer words have never been spoken
You must be a married man!
Those are perfect and smart answers.. ;)
Yes, I do. ;)
Very funny and I agree with you - men and women hear differently, communicate differently and I think that much is lost in the translation!
Wha.. you lost me there. I think it was right after you said I was right… You did say I was right, right? ;)
Yeah, you’re right. Wasn’t that clear? Or does it make me look fat?
Yes.
That was an amusing perspective on the ever present chasm of communication between men and women. It’s nice to see that some have figured out more than the rest of us else there’d be no hope.
Studies show the average woman speaks twice as many words a day as the average man. We don’t listen too little, they talk too much.
These are true words, but, for those of you who are not familiar with the original oldie but goody…….read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Grey.
He goes into great detail about the differences in the way men and women behave and communicate . The book was first published in 1992 and is timeless.
This was a great article - you phrased what I’ve been saying for years in a much nicer way. Usually when women tell me that men never listen, I point out that it’s women who don’t listen. So they don’t realize that men are listening, because they dont know how to listen.
But I like how you put it.
Is this why men today like men better than even sexually
Is this why men like men
You can’t just say, “what woman?”, because your wife’s then going to say, “that one.” The second half of the correct response is to then say, “Are you kidding? No way, I didn’t even notice her.”
The idea is to keep saying “What woman?” until the other woman is no longer nearby.
you are such an ass….and i do not change oil or like to cook…BTW you never offer to change the oil either!
Plus I am not fat and do not ask your opinion of my fashion choices!
wikked wife
Speaking for myself only, why would I ask you where your tools were to change the oil when I haven’t the first clue how to change it? Have you got the first clue how to choose a bra for a budding adolescent daughter or how to properly clean a toilet? Perhaps you could enlighten me with your experience in juggling making lunch while simultaneously waiting for the phone company to finally answer the other line for the tenth time while feeding the baby and entertaining your 4 year old? Generally speaking, women are raised to be multi-taskers and therefore capable of absorbing and responding to more information at a given time than men. If a man were to learn this ability (it’s not innate but learned), it would go a long way in a woman’s heart.
I don’t usually ask if I look fat in things but if ask something similar I might make a comment that I’m not sure if I like the look of myself in an item of clothing and that I think the clothing may not flatter me. I may ask my husband whether or not he agrees. It’s not a logical or an illogical question when a woman asks her partner whether she looks fat in a particular item of clothing – how thick are you? It’s true that we want you to couch the truth so as not to hurt our feelings – you know, the same feelings you don’t want us to hurt in you when you ask us if we think you have man-boobies. Asking this question is a less than subtle request for some reassurance that you still find us attractive, or confirmation that we are correct in thinking that we’ve still got it.
As for a man wanting to fix a woman’s problem…Ah yes, this lovely recurring affliction many of you seem to suffer from. While I appreciate that the sentiment and intention are good this is my biggest pet peeve. Many men seem to think that they have a monopoly in solving all of the world’s problems, big or small. Who made you God? Since when did you acquire the knowledge of all the answers to all the questions and problems in the world? When a woman relates a problem, she is often quite clear as to whether she wants advice or empathy. For example, I had an argument with a co-worker and tell my husband about it. Without asking for advice, merely relating the story and my frustration or upset, he begins to give me advice. His advice is suggestive of the fact that he thinks me incapable of solving my own problems and or that he feels I handled the situation poorly. As he was not present for this event, how could he possibly solve the problem and for that matter, who says I couldn’t solve it myself? I was merely looking for empathy and wanting to share an uncomfortable experience I had in order to feel better about the situation. Feelings are not unique to women, men have them too, learn to tap into them the next time your partner relates a story to you. If she asks for advice, then feel free to share your suggestions. If she doesn’t ask for advice, keep it buttoned, pay attention and empathize with her, “That must have been difficultâ€, “I can see how that must frustrate you†etc… Active listening goes a long way in helping you see just how little you actually listen when your partner talks.
The next time your wife, girlfriend or partner relates a story to you, repeat (not verbatim, as that’s too obvious) back to her/him what you think they have said to see whether or not you understand where they are coming from. I guarantee you s/he will appreciate the effort and intention.
Wow, great story from a former army boy. Soldier on!
[...] Do you suffer with MADD (Male Attention Deficit Disorder)? Many years ago a man, who had been married longer than I, explained to me how to get out of one of the most deadly husband-to-wife encounters. When your wife points to a woman who is more attractive than her and asks you if you find that woman attractive (tags: life) [...]
The quote my wife gave me is that what a man can resolve in his mind in 10 minutes takes a woman about 8 months to resolve. The reason is that women do not (cannot?) compartmentalize their thinking and feeling, and as a result do things on the basis of multi-tasking. They just can’t resolve any emotionally charged issue that quickly. What two men can talk about and resolve between them with near total clarity takes as little as 10 minutes and a few hundred words. Two women would take eight months or more and a few million words with no guaranty that they would ever truly have consensus. Who is the better communicator? Watch ‘The View’ and see how women talk to be heard but rarely actually listen to anything that does not offend them. It is all about her. End of story. To misquote Shakespeare further, “Narcissism, thy name is woman.”
It’s amazing to me that you have a wife with that line of thinking. Does she know you’re sexist or do you hide that from her? Are you a 17 year old posing as a man or are you man who still thinks he’s 17 years old?
Narcissism? Women in their 40’s tend to look at themselves in the mirror and pick themselves apart perceived flaw by perceived flaw while men look in the mirror and think they look the same as they did when they were 20. Who’s narcissistic? Having personal insight isn’t a male or female trait Joel, but it is a trait that many of you posting seem to lack.
Joel….lighten up! It sounds like you have many issues (negative ones) with women. I have always been a very independent woman, I know how to make decisions and deal with peolple. I owned my own home before I got married and gave birth to my daughter (who also is the daughter of Steve). I passed him that article because it was pretty funny, don’t you think???? You cannot label people based on gender, we are all different.
wikked
Steve,
Your last paragraph was classic — I like to think of it as “domestic maneuvering.”
Roy
Actually, MaryAnn, it’s not that difficult. I was raised to respect women and be well-mannered in my dealings with them. I have been taught to communicate well by actually listening, with the thought of understanding in a compassionate way. My wife quoted the author of a self-help book that she read as an excuse for why she could not resolve an issue of her behavior, which was quite hypcritical. What I have noted is that there is the belief on the part of too many women that if a man has a different viewpoint or way of doing things, he is wrong, and she is right. True equality must include equal accountability as well as the thoughtfulness that things like the Golden Rule teach us. MADD is an example of what happens when women expect to always be right. It does not matter that her way of dealing with the man in her life is as much or more sexist than he is likely to be. As for narcissism, the obsession with ones own image to the extent that it becomes a central point of focus in ones life shows how unbalanced any person with this problem has become. Take care of your health and personal appearance, of course. But don’t base your sense of personal value in it. Knowing that you have a healthy sense of your own worth should lead you to be able to allow others to have their own view of things without being a threat. You don’t have to agree with them, but neither do they have to agree with you without having a fallout of some kind. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As I said, it’s not that difficult.
Joel,
This argument has become tiresome would you not agree? Nowhere did I say that women are always better communicators - I am speaking in generalities here. I object to your use of the word narcissistic when referencing how women communicate. In your response, you say, “True equality must include equal accountability as well as the thoughtfulness…” Are you always accountable to your misgivings and are you always thoughtful? No, none of us can state with any truth that we are either. Unlike the women you reference in your life, I can resolve issues with my female counterparts in the same amount of time as I can with my male counterparts. When it comes to resolving issues with my partner, it often takes longer. Why? It’s really much more simple than you think.
Comparing your wife’s ability or lack thereof as you infer, to your ability, to resolve an issue with a male friend is like comparing apples to a side of beef. You don’t have the emotional connection, sexual connection and biological connection to your friend as you do with your wife. How you could expect to resolve issues with your wife the way you do with your friend? Do you sleep with your friends? Do you have an intimate history or children with your friends? No, you likely do not. Therefore, issues that arise with your wife are likely to be much more emotionally charged - there is more at stake for her and for you. It takes much more tact, patience and a great deal of active listening to resolve an issue with your partner in life than it does with a friend. At the end of the day, you don’t go home with your friend.
Human beings, not just women, are emotional. To recognize this is vital in any relationship. To belittle women by suggesting that we are narcissistic because we take longer (in your opinion and experience) to process our emotions in an argument is faulty at best. Your wife takes longer to process her feelings in an argument because she is having it with you, not because she is unable to communicate effectively.
Statistics show that parents often raise their boys much differently from their girls and are quick to shush a crying boy than a girl. Studies have shown that mothers are faster in responding to their crying daughters than they are their sons. This sends a message to their son that it is not okay to cry. This can and often does lead to a stifling of this any perceived negative emotion. We all possess EQ and IQ and both are important. Emotional Intelligence helps us to foster healthy relationships with our friends, loved-ones and colleagues. An unhealthy EQ leads to poor communication and an inability to hold healthy relationships in one’s life.
Lastly, your comment, “As for narcissism, the obsession with ones own image to the extent that it becomes a central point of focus in ones life shows how unbalanced any person with this problem has become.” Unbalanced, yes. Narcissistic, hardly. A woman with low self-esteem will obsess about her physical appearance but this is quite opposite to narcissism. This isn’t semantics but clarity Joel. Our media has helped to create this crisis of the body with women for decades. It’s one of the reasons I refuse to buy ‘women’s magazines and why I will discourage my daughter from purchasing them. If she chooses to do so, I will talk with her about the unrealistic images portrayed in them and the techniques editors use to create these images.
As for the author John Grey - his book is possibly the most ridiculous piece of writing I have ever read. In one of his examples about how to communicate he talks about a man and a woman going to a movie. After the movie has finished and the man asks the woman whether or not she liked the film, he suggests that the woman find something positive to say about the film whether she liked it or not or she may bruise his ego for his movie selecting ability. If a man’s ego is that fragile, then I wouldn’t want to date/marry that man. My husband appreciates my honesty and would never feel hurt if I gave a movie a criticism he didn’t agree with. This not to mention that Mr. Grey, is not a psychologist and has never to my knowledge attended a psychology class. More to the point his first marriage failed because of his infidelity. What knowledge can he impart about strengthening a marriage or the communication between a man and a woman? Nothing, I assure you, absolutely nothing.
Thank you, Mary Ann for your illustration and comments about John Grey. That is exactly the point: when a man in our culture does not have the ability to look at all the lies that he wants to hear, how he deliberately places his partner in a moral dilemma(for fear of losing him to a woman who WILL lie to him-check out the lyrics to “Real Love” M. McDonald, please Joel)quite a few times throughout the day or at least to the point of making being “tactful” a daily landmine field of constant tension and fear, then you have what passes for “marriage” as opposed to what God really wants marriage to be. There are men to a lesser degree that do that, but the problem happens when men allow other men (because of the culture you tolerate between yourselves) to make you dishonest about how you really feel about the rudeness and backstabbing you put up with between each other and call that “the way it is”. That may be the way it is bewteen you men. But don’t bring it home and do as one PBS Radio commentator (a male Btw) put it: “lay the club of language on the table”. You may think this is cool, reasonable and smarter and more “honest” than women, but the reality is that it is no fun being the women who has to muffle the moan of internal agony you cause by doing it and wipe up the invisible “blood” your supposed “superior smarts and honesty” have spilled. Joel, you are the “leader” as you probably would like to be anyway. Great! More power to you! But why don’t you learn that its not your job to make a “smarter and better” model of the woman. It’s your job to be a servant leader (Hint: that means you give more than you think you are getting and this is what brings you realjoy on the inside) I guarentee you things will change in your home in ways that will astound you. And the changes you really want, the ones God knows will satisfy you as a man, WILL occur. Try making Jesus your hero and template rather than the present sports hero of the moment or the current business tycoon. Use what works. Jesus works. Those other guys are having the news report on their marriage failures daily.
Jesus was never married.