This subject came up in a discussion with some of my friends; why do woman always ask for things indirectly?
A bunch of married guys (and a few with starter wives) were talking about how the woman in their lives never ask for things directly but instead phrase requests indirectly. The most prominent example is the "I sure would like..." phrase used by many a woman.
"I sure would like a cup of tea."
"I sure would like a box."
"If I had a diamond ring on my finger I would be so happy."
And so on...
In contrast the guys would simply say:
"Hey honey, as long as you are up can you get me a cup of tea too?"
"See that box over there? Could you hand it to me 'cause I have a use for it."
"Diamonds? Are you serious? Those things are a racket and they wouldn't even be worth anything if not for the high profile marketing campaigns put on my big diamond miners..."
Yes, I know all about that wacky serious of books that suggests men and woman are from different planets but being from different planets should not force me to buy a universal translator to talk to them!
I think part of this language difference comes from the idea of wants vs. needs. As a man I prefer to be wanted and not needed. I feel that if someone wants you (rather than needs you) it implies a conscious choice. I need food and water to live but I want a roasted chicken and some bubbly water for dinner.
I have met too many woman in my life who desire to be needed. They feel that if a man does not need them he may grow tired of them and leave. This worries me because being a need implies you have no choice. I would not want someone to consider me a need because that means that if something were to happen to me they would be helpless.
As to my earlier topic of discussion I think woman prefer to use the indirect approach to ask for things because they feel that when they get what they are asking for it implies that the man had to do some thinking to figure out what she wanted. It also gives her a bit of deniable plausibility if something goes wrong.
"No, I didn't want that box, I was just thinking out loud."
Image boxes for the reception 3 used under Creative Commons License from flickr user cyancey.
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Well said !! Too true….!!
My mother and my wife both try this approach when they want something from me, I prefer to play dumb until they come out and ask directly for what they want.
I used to respond in a humorous manner to such requests to the point that my wife and daughter no longer ask questions in this way.
Great post on relationships and communication! I don’t like the indirect approach and try not to do it myself. Interestingly, I was surprised when a male friend of mine kept doing it.
He’d ask me questions like, “Are there cookies in your pack?” or, “Are you hungry?” when what he was really asking was he wanted the cookies and he was hungry.
He had no idea he was being so indirect since he was pretty direct in all other areas of his life. He noticed it after I would just answer his question. “Yes” to the cookies, “No” to being hungry. THEN he was forced to be direct .. and laugh at himself. Turned out that as a kid, WANTING things was bad and used against him so he began communicating in this way to not be obvious or have deniability (if that is a word).
i want a diamond! how is that for direct mr smartypants? I am so sick of people pondering the “differences” between men and women. Let’s just call it the difference between people.
sometimes it is nice to feel needed, and cherished and loved.